the signs of rapture

So, the rapture is coming this Saturday, at 6 p.m., in time zones, of course. It’s awfully kind of God to give us an early-warning system just in case we turn out to be the crazy people. But since rapture guru Harold Camping apparently is a skilled, confident reader of the apocalyptic signs, I thought we here at RatM should give him a few more signs — church signs, that is — to read before the Big Day.

I asked some RatM writers and friends of RatM to put their snark to work and pen some dissenting church signs for the coming Apocalypse.

I’m hoping against hope that at least some of these make it onto church signs somewhere in these great United States. Each is short enough, mostly. Please, restore my confidence in American Christianity. Restore my confidence in humanity. Because with folks like Camping around, it’s a hard sell lately.

What would you put on a church sign for this week? Put in the comments, and I’ll publish a Best Of  The Rapture on my blog, unorthodoxology, this weekend.

“Free Rapture Parking, Saturday 5:30 p.m. Leave the keys.”

“After rapture, please come here Sunday. We have wine.”

“Rapture Helmets – $500. Don’t let those birds hit you on the way up.” — Tony Hunt

“In case of rapture we accept post-dated checks.”

“Left behind and loving it.” — Ted Troxell

“If you can’t take it with you after the rapture Saturday, please leave it with us.”

“We thought they’d never leave.” — Ted Troxell

“In case of Rapture, play the lottery, with better odds.” — J. Keen.

“After the rapture, beware of zombies. We have holy water. Inquire within.”

“After Saturday, leave a message.” — Jeromy Johnson, Mending Shift

“Post-rapture celebration this Sunday: 8 a.m., 9:30 and 11:30”

22 thoughts on “the signs of rapture

  1. “Rapture Recovery Seminars Offered Here – Come As You Are, We’ll be Here Watching and Waiting”

  2. Ok… I’ll think for a good one in spanish

  3. Due to high winds this Saturday’s Rapture Event may be postponed.

  4. You know where you go now? *cough* satan worshipers *cough*

  5. Where on earth did Ted go? I knew he was a closet Camping follower.

  6. Do you hold to the Christian faith? If so, aren’t you a slight bit worried about mocking God?

  7. No, not at all. Actually, we came up with these sayings through a unique math formula derived from the Bible just like Harold Camping.

  8. Go to Bowley’s/Chase Methodists FB to see our sign at Piney Grove UMC:
    ‘If you’re still here 5/21, you’re welcome in our church!’

  9. I offer my condolences to all christians who actually believe they are going somewhere in the universe to a planet called Heaven tomorrow. However, I know you will be just as happy when you find out there is no such place.

  10. HOLY &(%#..!! I used to own that comic book!! Early-mid 1970s Jesus Movement comic describing the pre-millenial Rapture and Tribulation!! Characters blatently ripped off of Archie and Jughead comics – amazing – such memories.

  11. Umm, I see no place where mocking interpretations is mocking God.  A lighten up pill would be helpful here.

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