the signs of rapture

By David Henson

snark from the remnant

So, the rapture is coming this Saturday, at 6 p.m., in time zones, of course. It’s awfully kind of God to give us an early-warning system just in case we turn out to be the crazy people. But since rapture guru Harold Camping apparently is a skilled, confident reader of the apocalyptic signs, I thought we here at RatM should give him a few more signs — church signs, that is — to read before the Big Day.

I asked some RatM writers and friends of RatM to put their snark to work and pen some dissenting church signs for the coming Apocalypse.

I’m hoping against hope that at least some of these make it onto church signs somewhere in these great United States. Each is short enough, mostly. Please, restore my confidence in American Christianity. Restore my confidence in humanity. Because with folks like Camping around, it’s a hard sell lately.

What would you put on a church sign for this week? Put in the comments, and I’ll publish a Best Of The Rapture on my blog, unorthodoxology, this weekend.

“Free Rapture Parking, Saturday 5:30 p.m. Leave the keys.”

“After rapture, please come here Sunday. We have wine.”

“Rapture Helmets – $500. Don’t let those birds hit you on the way up.” — Tony Hunt

“In case of rapture we accept post-dated checks.”

“Left behind and loving it.” — Ted Troxell

“If you can’t take it with you after the rapture Saturday, please leave it with us.”

“We thought they’d never leave.” — Ted Troxell

“In case of Rapture, play the lottery, with better odds.” — J. Keen.

“After the rapture, beware of zombies. We have holy water. Inquire within.”

“After Saturday, leave a message.” — Jeromy Johnson, Mending Shift

“Post-rapture celebration this Sunday: 8 a.m., 9:30 and 11:30″

This post was written by

David Henson – who has written 10 posts on Religion at the Margins.

David Henson received his Master of Arts from Graduate Theological Union in Berkeley, California, after receiving a Lilly Grant for religious education for journalist. He is currently a postulant for the priesthood in the Episcopal Church. His meditations and reflections on Scripture have appeared in Ready the Way: A Walk Through Advent, a 2009 publication of the Episcopal Church, the Christian Century Web site and various blogs. A former journalist, his work has also appeared in publications across the country, including Oakland Tribune, Seattle Post-Intelligencer and Coastal Living magazine. In real life, he is much less impressive than he tries to make his bio sound and really loves cooking, films and playing with his kids.

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This entry was posted on May 17, 2011 at 8:27 AM and is filed under Religion.

Roger F. Tise, Sr.

“Rapture Recovery Seminars Offered Here – Come As You Are, We’ll be Here Watching and Waiting”
mountainguy

Ok… I’ll think for a good one in spanish
Henry

Due to high winds this Saturday’s Rapture Event may be postponed.
naekwon

You know where you go now? *cough* satan worshipers *cough*
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1613777109 Ted Troxell

“What — you too?”
naekwon

Where on earth did Ted go? I knew he was a closet Camping follower.
http://religionatthemargins.com Ted Troxell

“Great. Now what?”
http://www.jesusneedsnewpr.net/a-second-church-sign-of-the-day/ A second church sign of the day! | Jesus Needs New PR

[...] Read David’s thoughts about the coming rapture here. [...]
http://churchministrycenter.com/2011/05/a-second-church-sign-of-the-day/ A second church sign of the day! | Church Ministry Center

[...] Read David’s thoughts about the coming rapture here. [...]
Mark

Do you hold to the Christian faith? If so, aren’t you a slight bit worried about mocking God?
http://unorthodoxology.blogspot.com David Henson

No, not at all. Actually, we came up with these sayings through a unique math formula derived from the Bible just like Harold Camping.
http://religionatthemargins.com Ted Troxell

“Cthulhu lives!”
http://thechurchofjesuschrist.us/2011/05/what-will-your-church-sign-say-this-sunday/ What will your Church Sign say this Sunday? | Unsettled Christianity

[...] he signs of rapture | Religion at the Margins. [...]
http://churchministrycenter.com/2011/05/what-will-your-church-sign-say-this-sunday/ What will your Church Sign say this Sunday? | Church Ministry Center

[...] he signs of rapture | Religion at the Margins. [...]
Cindy

Go to Bowley’s/Chase Methodists FB to see our sign at Piney Grove UMC:
‘If you’re still here 5/21, you’re welcome in our church!’
http://www.patheos.com/community/exploringourmatrix/2011/05/20/rapture-round-the-blogosphere/ Rapture ‘Round the Blogosphere | Exploring Our Matrix

[...] Watts offers live streaming of the Rapture and humorous church signs (originally from Ted Troxell. Joel also discusses whether Harold Camping is a “Bible [...]
Lee Chappell

I offer my condolences to all christians who actually believe they are going somewhere in the universe to a planet called Heaven tomorrow. However, I know you will be just as happy when you find out there is no such place.
http://heissailing.blogspot.com HeIsSailing

HOLY &(%#..!! I used to own that comic book!! Early-mid 1970s Jesus Movement comic describing the pre-millenial Rapture and Tribulation!! Characters blatently ripped off of Archie and Jughead comics – amazing – such memories.
Warren aldrich

Umm, I see no place where mocking interpretations is mocking God. A lighten up pill would be helpful here.
http://davidrhenson.wordpress.com/2011/05/21/best-of-church-signs-for-the-rapture/ best of church signs for the rapture «

[...] As promised, here are the best of the Rapture Church signs. This little project started over at Religion at the Margins and has quite a few people chuckling around the blogosphere. With something as absurd as Harold [...]
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/davidhenson/2011/12/the-long-strange-trip-of-2011/ the long strange trip of 2011 | David R. Henson

[...] writings around the web in 2011.I had a little too much fun with some online friends with all the Harold Camping Rapture stuff, concocting the best (potential) church signs for the apocalypse. There was the post I wrote in [...]
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/davidhenson/2012/01/republican-baptist-church-truth-in-advertising-in-south-carolina-2/ Republican Baptist Church: Truth in Advertising in South Carolina? | David R. Henson

[...] of snarky captions, but I’ve found it’s better if I ask readers for their captions, as I did with the Rapture Church Signs.So, what do you have? Put it in the comments and I’ll feature my favorites on myFacebook [...]