Joseph: The First Socialist Dictator

One of the greatest enemies Judaism and Christianity have ever known has undoubtedly been socialism. Socialism threatens the very moral fabric of our society. It oppresses the masses with heavy taxation. It undermines free enterprise. It defies the democratic spirit. It champions bloated government bureaucratic programs that are ineffective and crippling on the economy. It centralizes power. It is the enemy of all that is godly. As Christians in the country of America, we have an obligation to the rest of the world to oppose socialism, to root it out, in the name of democracy and of Jesus Christ, King of the Universe.

But we’ve been so ineffective in our efforts to eradicate socialism from our Christian nation (which is sadly becoming a nation where Muslims and other Atheists feel like they can shamelessly shove their ideas down other people’s throats in their mosques and obscure secular humanist conventions and on Facebook). I mean, just look at the current administration, with its Islamist sympathies and atheist, socialist agenda! By 2014 we’ll be a socialist country, forced to buy our own health insurance from private agencies against our will, and taxed to help pay for it if we can’t afford it!

Fortunately, there have been some good recent efforts that have been successful against socialism in the name of democracy, such as the vote in Wisconsin not to let laborers organize and negotiate with their employers, who are already being generous enough not having moved their factories to Indonesia. Yes, there have been victories for a democracy of the people, but we have such a long way to go, and if we don’t get our act together, before we know it we’re going to find ourselves under another communist dictator like Stalin or Hitler.

So what we need to do, before moving forward, is go back. We need to understand the roots of socialism, and see how insidious it is. We need to understand who created it, and how it works, if we’re going to come up with the right strategies to finally defeat it once and for all, so we can get our democratic, Christian country back, before Jesus comes back to destroy it.

So who was the inventor of socialism? I’ll give you a hint. It was a man named Joseph. No, not Joseph Stalin. I’m talking about another socialist dictator named Joseph. To learn about him, we have to go way back, way, way back, into the recesses of history, several thousand years ago, not long after the universe began. We have to look at the only ancient history book that survived the flood, and when we do, we’ll find our first socialist, and a great enemy of the people of God.

I’m talking about Joseph of Egypt. Now, like Karl Marx, Joseph was originally a Jew. But just like Marx sold his soul to Germany, became demon-possessed, and inspired Hitler, Joseph sold himself to Egypt and paved the way for Egypt to herd up all the Jews and force them into labor camps like lambs to the slaughter. From the time he was a boy, Joseph always dreamed of being a dictator. He dreamed that his own people, the Jews, would bow down to him and grovel at his feet. And how did he accomplish this? Through a socialist agenda! But from his humble beginnings in Jewish territory, Joseph had a long way to go.

Now, in that time period, a son couldn’t just abandon his father’s estate. A son had responsibilities. And if he disowned his father, then that would come back to bite him later when it was time for his family to grovel at his feet. Indeed, Joseph had dictatorial aspirations, but he couldn’t just leave. So he hatched a plan. He intentionally provoked his brothers, knowing that they would sell him into slavery in order to get rid of him. This was his ticket out. When he got to Egypt, he became the slave of a nobleman. As such, he was privy to a great deal of inside information, so he got to know how the system worked. He learned that the Pharaoh was a paranoid delusional, who regularly threw his confidants into prison on a whim, only to restore them to his service later. So Joseph realized that the best way to get his foot in the door of power was to go to prison.

So Joseph hatched another scheme. He began to seduce his master’s wife, but whenever she would make advances to reciprocate, he would push her away, claiming the high moral ground. He knew this would incense her and provoke her to accuse him to her husband. The scheme worked, and he was sent to prison.

Before long, while Joseph was in prison, just as he expected, Pharaoh lost his cool and hurled his chief cupbearer and his baker into the cell. Joseph shrewdly and covertly interrogated the two men, and determined which of the two would be restored, and which would be executed. He got them to tell him their dreams, and then exploited the dreams, offering an “interpretation” which correctly predicted the fate of each man. The baker was executed, and the cupbearer was restored to Pharaoh’s side. This was his way in.

Joseph, committed to his boyhood dream of world domination, waited two more years in prison, when finally Pharaoh had a troubling dream, and the cupbearer suggested he consult Joseph. Pharaoh brought Joseph out of prison and told him his dream, asking him to interpret it. Now Joseph, under the pretense that his interpretation came from God, appealed to Pharaoh’s anxieties and told him his dream meant that the land would enjoy seven years of bountiful harvest, followed by seven years of famine. Again, under the pretense of divine inspiration (socialists often mask themselves behind the banner of religion), Joseph gave Pharaoh the following counsel.

First, tax everyone! Cripple them with taxes. Tax them twenty percent on all their grain crops, and start a vast bureaucratic government program, storing up their grain in gigantic store houses in cities all across the country. Then, redistribute the wealth! Take the hard-earned produce of the common man, and give it away to anybody and everybody who wasn’t smart enough to save up for the unexpected famine. And not just Egyptian citizens, but all of the surrounding nations, including the godless Canaanites! Free government handouts for all, even the illegal aliens. Everyone would be “saved” (note the messianic pretensions), and unwittingly learn to be dependent on the government, consolidating power. Then, and this is the key, Joseph shrewdly suggested that Pharaoh give one man the authority to put this whole scheme into effect. Guess who Pharaoh chose? You guessed it! Joseph.

He had arrived. He now had all authority over the Egyptian empire. And he began his program of taxation and redistribution. Government handouts for everybody, even those who didn’t put in the effort themselves! Even the foreigners, who didn’t speak Egyptian!

And of course, as Joseph had divined through his demon contacts, the famine reached as far as his old territory. When his lazy brothers heard that Egypt was giving free handouts to foreigners, they snuck across the border and got in line. When they finally came before Joseph, they didn’t even recognize him—so disfigured by power was he. And at last his boyhood dream was fulfilled. His brothers, along with all the world, bowed before him and groveled at his feet.

And we know how the rest of the story goes, don’t we? He invited his father and brothers to come live under his dominion, where they would be “taken care of,” and “secure,” under the government programs. Read: four hundred years of abject slavery under one socialist dictator after another! The Bible warned us long ago about socialism. It’s time we took the Bible seriously and do what needs to be done.

Let’s summarize Joseph’s assumptions and strategies: (1) He begins with a lust for world domination, a complex developed from being the youngest brother. (2) He implements a covert scheme to attain power, passing himself off as someone who belongs in Egypt. (3) He presents himself as a God-fearing man, and successfully convinces an unsuspecting government that his scheme is the product of divine wisdom, certainly not his idea! (4) He assumes the government has a responsibility to ensure the welfare of its citizens! (5) He uses taxation to achieve his nefarious ends. (6) He redistributes wealth even beyond the borders of his own nation so that all are provided for.

Now, tell me. Who does that sound like to you? My fellow Christians, it’s time to rise up. We need to put an end to the economic slavery to which we’re unwittingly being subjected, before it’s too late. It’s time we took the Bible seriously. We know what we have to do.

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